Total Jock Talk

Take your talents fishing.

2011-06-12T20:59:00.000-07:00

coco and kelly

2011-02-20T10:59:00.001-08:00

these women terrify me.

they are wnba twins coco and kelly miller. have you ever read this blog? do you think they write it? probably not, huh?

Ron Ron and Baby Jesus

2011-02-17T10:15:00.000-08:00

I love Ron Ron. From Twitter:

i just got a call from from jesus he says you are the worst player in the history of the game but i love you thanks jesus

Damn SNAP!! Interesting Year Ahead Of Us

2010-11-23T11:01:00.000-08:00

1.) Tony Parker cheated on his wife!! Yikes! With his ex-teammates wife? San Antonio is off to a great start. I think 12-1 so far? Seems like Lit'l Tone Tone hasn't let this be a distraction. Is Brent Barry's wife better or worse looking than the desperate housewife? Will Tone rebound with some other Hollywood actress? Is Tim Duncan ashamed of how un-wholesome Lit'l Tone has been?

2) The Miami Heat are 8-6 (last year at this point, without Lebron & Bosh they were 9-5!) Miami has lost both games so far this year to the Boston Celtics. Do we even care? Were the Heat better without the addition of Lebron and Chris Bosh? Is Trevor Ariza better than Chris Bosh? Is Chris Bosh the new Sam Cassell aka ugliest NBA'r? Or is that still with Steve Blake and that nasty Scola guy from Houston?

3) Greg Oden out for the rest of the year, what a shocker!! He has played 82 games in three seasons? Should he go back to Ohio State? Is Greg Oden washed up? Is he too old for the NBA? Should Greg Oden just focus on white college chicks and not on basketball anymore? Is Greg Oden a pimp? Is Greg Oden the new Benjamin Button? Was he born an old man and is getting younger by the years?

Lebron Who?

2010-04-22T07:37:00.000-07:00

"I understand a lot of teams would like to make me shoot jumpers and keep me out of the paint," James said. "That's what I would do if I was guarding me, but I wouldn't talk to me if I was guarding me. I would just let me play my game."

Wait what Lebron? Me I my...

Neckeo Spikes

2009-11-11T12:55:00.000-08:00

For those of you who don't know who this man is, he is Takeo Spikes (aka TKO or "The Knock Out"), a Linebacker for our San Francisco 49ers. Our research department here at TJT has informed me that the name means either "Strong Like Bamboo" or "Warrior Hero." He was apparently named after Japan's 66th Prime Minister Takeo Miki. I prefer strong like bamboo, but regardless, as you can see, he is a man you don't want to fuck with. Only a man like this is tough enough to date former Mrs. Mack-10, or as she is more commonly referred to, as T-Boz of famed R&B group TLC.

What interests me most about Takeo isn't the origins of his name or which ill-fated R&B star he is dating, but the size of his neck. Seriously... it's gnarly. His neck/head area kinda looks like a big penis. His neck is larger than his head, it's probably larger than my thigh. Which begs the question... how does a man like this hang upside while wearing a bolo tie? It would slide right off. I guess there are some downsides to having an incredibly buff neck.

Friday Night Abs

2009-11-06T15:12:00.000-08:00

Excellent news. Friday Night Lights has returned to the airwaves each Thursday night. Bad news. You have to have Direct TV unless you want to wait until January to watch it on NBC. Good news. I have a friend with Direct TV and a boyfriend with a talent for downloading stuff for me to watch. Amazing news. Riggins is back.

Tim Riggins is a seriously hot babe played by Taylor Kitsch. I highly recommend that you watch this show if you aren't already. It is filmed in Austin, features good ole fashion Texas football and most importantly, Tim Riggins. Riggins's character is that of a whiskey and beer drinking small town borderline dummy with intense abs and a tendency to be really hot always. His hair is always kind of wet in a non greasy oil fest manner. He can wear tight Lee jeans and boots which is a tough look in real life, but is perfect on this hot "eye candy" as Cosmo Girl calls him. On the show, he is funny and sometimes boffs older ladies, which gives us hope. In real life he's 30 which makes us feel less pervy!

Oh and the football games are really athleticky.

Vanessa Bryant vs. KhlOdom.

2009-10-28T09:40:00.000-07:00

We here at TJT are doing an over under on the length of time until Khloe is mean girled with poo by Kobe's one and only (HA!), Vanessa. Everyone at the Staples Center knows that Vanessa has ruled the roost since her senior year of high school. She doesn't need Lamar's publicity stunt marriage to Khloe (p.s. can't someone fix the way she spells her stupid name?) to overshadow her reign. Not to mention the fact that Khloe has to bring her botox frozen faced sex tape rump roast sister, Kim, to every game with her. I think Vanessa could take both of these nasty LA skanks OC style. All we need is Eva Longoria and we'll have a wicked cat fight.

What do you think?

2009/2010 Los Angeles Lakers 1-0

2009-10-28T05:10:00.000-07:00

Hello Bling.

Well, we'll take it. Barely barely sorta kinda a win is still a win. Even though the Clippers didn't have their (weird looking) rookie Blake Griffin, the Lakers pulled it out. Andrew Bynum had 26 points 13 rebounds (what!! really??) and Kobesters ended up with 33pts 8 rebs. Not bad. The Lakers "D" could've been a bit tighter but whatever, it's opening game.

Celtics? Nah... Too old...
Cavaliers? Nah... One man shows don't win rings...
Spurs? Nah... BBBOOOORRRRRIIINNNNGGGGGGG...
Lakers? Yep... Just too deep...

Most of the haters are already predicting a Lakers Celtics finals with the Celtics taking it. Kenny Smith and Sir Chuck Barkley are the only two that pick the Lakers in this clip...

That one clown Kevin McHale says a Celtics Spurs finals? Really? Get a clue...

Obrigado Brazil!!!!

2009-10-03T12:55:00.000-07:00

The 2016 Olympic push by President Barack Obama for his hometown of Chicago didn't quite work out in US&A's favor. Considering that TJT is a world famous jock sports blog, I think the Olympics are reason enough for more people around the globe to follow these passionate and riveting stories, our live blog feeds, our truly groundbreaking up to minute news updates, etc. Some consider us to be all or some the following - 60 minutes, TMZ, 20/20, and News Hour, all combined, but dealing with sports of course. You know, star athletes such as, Michelle Jordan, Joan Montana, Nolan O'Ryan, and Dwyane Gretzky.

Well anyways, Congratulations Rio, and Brazil. Even though we will win more gold medals than you, or Russia, or China, or any other country, we still are happy you get to host the Olympic Games in 2016.

Obrigado for reading the most pointless post yet on TJT - a lot of nothing about nothing.

Wizardly football madness.

2009-09-30T11:02:00.000-07:00

Hi you guys. Did you miss us? We have been too busy to blog because we've been downloading iphone apps for fantasy football season. We all joined a league! I have been busy trying to decide whether I should play my QB Aaron Rodgers (he's kinda cute!) or my back up Jet Mark Sanchez. He's a newby but he's doing pretty good. My friend Dr. Ballz and I have also been busy trying to figure out the difference between a TE and a WR. I only know that my boyfriend Tim Riggins is a TE. So far out of the three bloggers, (Dr. Ballz, Mr. Rad Pants, and myself) I am winning (by one point) and I figure it's because I have a team that was created based on my desire to have a fabulous assortment of names among my players. I've got Chad Ochocinco, Santonio Holmes, and Jerious Norwood. I keep them straight by remembering the following things: orecchiette pasta, Santino Rice from Project Runway, and Norbit.

Fantasy football is amazing.

Look At Me, I'm Soooo Weird

2009-07-27T08:35:00.001-07:00

Drew Gooden!

Scot Pollard!
Dennis Rodman!
These guys are cartoon characters posing as NBA players.

It's actually nice to see athletes (all sports)
that aren't the typical standard. But, when
you're trying way too hard to look like you
just went on a shopping spree at Hot Topic
or the local goth shop in town, TJT has a problem.

R.I.P. Little Death

2009-07-17T13:42:00.000-07:00

What a sad day for Mexican Wrestling, but we must move on.

We at TJT will spend years grieving over the deaths of La Parkita aka Little Death and Espectrito, Jr. These two Mexican Lucha Mini wrestlers were both 35, both twins, identical of each other. Weird right? Twins? So weird. But moving along... Two female prostetutes robbed, then drugged these sweet little guys and ended up killing them - purposely.

From TotalProSports - The two men were 35-year-old twin brothers Alberto and Alejandro Jimenez and the story goes as follows. Following a show on Sunday night in Mexico City the two were checking into a hotel when they were approached by a couple of prostitutes. They went to the room but hours later only the women left the hotel. When hotel staff noticed the wrestlers did not leave with the women, they went to go check the room only to find Alberto and Alejandro lying dead on the bed.

More here...

R.I.P. La Parkita and Espectrito, Jr.

$2,000,000 in useless flowers.

2009-07-15T10:07:00.000-07:00

in the boldest move ever, richard jefferson smartly held off on marrying the woman with the lamest name ever. nets dancer Kesha ni Cole Nichols is still single. she's also probably living in Jersey, while rich jeff is moving to texas to play tonsil hockey with turtle head duncan. he is going to trade her in for a big blonde haired texan, i bet. the pakistan news reports that the wedding cost this dude $2 million bucks. what a clown.

Moonwalking to Heaven

2009-06-26T13:06:00.000-07:00

From all of us here at TJT, we will miss you Mike. You may have had some strange tendencies, but you always rocked our balls off. And to make this relevant to sports... witness one of the best superbowl performances of all time.

Piggyback Shaq

2009-06-25T14:16:00.000-07:00

First Kobe, then Dwayne, now LeBron. The Piggybacking continues...

Guess it didn't work out with Nashty and Stoud. Onto the next superstar and quest for a ring. We got love for the big man, but damn it must be nice to be 7'1", 350lbs.

What's gonna be his next nick name? Shaqen Loans?

Futbol Americano Style

2009-06-25T13:15:00.000-07:00

As the resident Futbol expert at TJT, I thought I would give a shout out to the US Men's team for their stunning victory over World #1 Spain. This game has been compared to the famous 'Miracle on Ice' as well as countless other US victories over foreign superpowers in sports that hardly any Americans give a shit about. To even get into this game, the US team needed many things to break their way. In the final match of group play, the US had to beat an impressive Egypt team 3-0 and Brazil had to beat the reigning World Cup champion Azzurri from Italy. The US team came out striking and surprised nearly everyone by indeed winning that match 3-0 and had some help from the always impressive Brazil and surprisingly lackluster Azzurri in the 3-0 Brazil victory.

So, on to the semifinals... No one believed that the US had a chance to beat Spain, but with the likes of such international superstars as Alexi Lalas backing them with such incredible support as to say they will only lose 2-1, how could they not prevail? The US team came out like they had something to prove and they did. The first goal was an impressive show of power by 19 yr old phenom Jozy "Cozy" Altidore, screening off the Spanish defender to get a shot on goal which bounced off the keepers hand and the goal post to finally go in. A lot of luck was involved, but that's what you need when you are playing a team like Spain. On a side note, is it just me, or does Jozy look like a weird cross between Wayne Brady and Kanye West?

The US team somehow held on and blocked every shot that came their way and then once again had a stroke of luck to score yet another goal. One goal against this team was pretty unbelieveable, but two was unthought of. Clint Dempsey somehow found himself in the right place at the right time off of a Landon Donovan pass that bounced off a few players and finally found it to Clints feet and then into the back of the net.

The US managed to hold on and beat the mighty Spaniards and have now for the first time, made it to the final of the FIFA Confederations Cup. We await to see if they will be playing the home team of South Africa with their annoying bee swarming plastic horns, or the powerhouse from Brazil, headed by the big Kaka himself. Congrats USA, way to show them that these colors do indeed run, and they run fast.

UPDATE:
Brazil wins in the 88th minute to S. Africa 1-0 so it looks like a rematch between USA and Brazil. Hopefully the US will play more like they did in the Spain game and less like they did in group play vs. Brazil. Gonna be a tough one regardless.

parade por vida!

2009-06-18T09:57:00.000-07:00

yesterday was all about CELEBRATIONS in lakerville. jubilation. excitement. a big fat raised finger to all the haters out there. beantown - suck it! lebron - never gonna get it! and both teams from america's wang - tears dont produce rings!!!
kobester's joy says it all...

d.fish has earned his street cred...

sweet spanish brace-face pau has found his home...

and laker fans have proven that despite their bad wrap, they heart their team, they heart bball, and they ARE down to come out in mass & cheer...

lakers - NBA CHAMPS 2009!!!

Game 5, NBA FINALS 2009

2009-06-17T05:06:00.000-07:00

We won.

We did it with style and class.

Kobe, you're the best.

And according to both Magic Johnson and Larry Bird, they also
say you're the most fun to watch and the best player in the game...

Lakers 4, Magic 1.

I'd say we shut up the media (Laker Haters) for at least 4 months.

More pictures of the game here and here.

Game 5 interview

2009-06-16T15:53:00.000-07:00

One of the jock talkers got a press pass and ended up in the 2nd row of the NBA Finals game 5 aka the final game of the finals. Here is an interview with him. A lot of hard hitting questions.

did you get to go nearer to the floor when they won?

I didn't get nearer, There were security guards in front of me and behind them were the scorers tables. It was freakin close.

how was the celebration?

The celebration was fun for us Lakers fans. But the Orlando fans all left, so it was celebrations on a smaller scale.

did you get sprayed with champagne?

I didn't get sprayed. I wish. I saw Phil get splashed, but only on ESPN.

did you go to the foxtails night club afterwards to party with lamar?

Foxtails couldn't be found. I would've loved to join those guys that night. I bet Luke got wasted. Bynum can't go out. :(

did you have butterflies in your tummy?

I had butterflies all damn game. Huge stomach ache. It was surreal. It went by wayyyy quicker than it felt.

could you hear chatter from the laker bench?

I could hear chatter. There was ZERO shit talking on the court until Ariza and Turkyglue got into it before that time out.

does phil say anything or does kobe really coach the team?

Kobe talked a little - more to individuals than to the team.

is gary vitti short in person?

Gary Vitti is tiny like David Stern. Just has a bigger goatee and has bigger pecks than Davey Stern.

how whispy is adam morrison's mustache in person?

Morrison is gross. He warmed up earlier with Lamar and Pau but came out in a suit later. Not many people played in the game.

is lamar chocolatey? (sorry about that one)

Lamar is chocolatey. Probably a mix between Milk and Dark. Ewing is definitely dark.

did vanessa bryant look like a bitch?

I didn't see Mrs. Bryant. I only saw wheezy, chris brown and NBA celebs. I didn't see tiger or other big time peoples.

do you think kobe's daughters will be slutty some day?

he didn't answer that one...

Cool, Calm, Very Collected

2009-06-12T16:50:00.001-07:00

Thanks Fisher for this moment...

Pau, You Truly Are My Homeboy

2009-06-12T10:51:00.000-07:00

Pau, not only are you my homeboy,
but you're every Lakeshow fan's homeboy.

I bet Pau doesn't receive a penny from this site for
his face on these shirts, but really who cares right?

Game 7, NHL FINALS 2009

2009-06-12T10:38:00.000-07:00

Nice quote sent to me from my homie.

"The home team has won last 18 game 7s in
NHL/NBA/MLB finals. Last road team to win?
The '79 Buccos."

I don't know who the Buccos are but
I'm sure it was a rad game 7 victory.

To the BUCCOS!!! Cheers!

Represent Kobe

2009-06-12T08:36:00.000-07:00

Yep. Bringing the trophy back to L.A. where it belongs.

boom boom pau

2009-06-11T22:55:00.001-07:00

thanks bomarr!

Game 4, NBA FINALS 2009

2009-06-11T22:29:00.000-07:00

D-Swish!!!

You did it my man. Way to bring the pain when it really counts.
Homeboy goes 2-7 on threes but hits the most crucial ones. My boy...

Even Phil is pumped.

We did it, in OT nonetheless. Fair and square.

Lakers straight CRUSHED it in the final minutes.

Pietrus is a punk for that late foul on Gasol, but it's all good.

Bangin game from D-Fish. Congrats men. One game to go...
Tiger Woods, Lil Weezy, Rihanna, all on our side. Nice.

Still cant believe Fisher comes out of the freakin wood works to hit
those two crucial threes. What an amazing time to stop his
lackadaisical play and step up like the old days...
Nothin but love for you Fish.

Game 3, NBA FINALS 2009

2009-06-10T11:27:00.000-07:00

We tried, but just couldn't make it happen.
Orlando shot the lights out.

On the other hand, as for our Lakers...

The picture below is basically Kobe's night in a nutshell. Good shooting night from the floor, but the free throw line was his enemy. 5 missed free throws? Kidding me? That turnover in the last minute killed us...

A specific fellow TJT'er never believed me when I said Mickael Pietrus was going to be a good one, and that GS shouldn't let him go. Well now he's an important part of Orlando's Defense...

Hey Senor Rad Pantalones, yes, I'm talkin to you.

Good game Orlando, but we'll get the next two on the road and guess who will be there live to see Lakers taste victory???

Game 2, NBA FINALS 2009

2009-06-08T14:11:00.000-07:00

Pau and Lamar.
45 points.
18 boards.
5 assists.
2 turnovers.

Great game boys. Great game everybody.

Way to take it in the end.

Next...

LOLers - NBA Playoff images

2009-06-06T16:45:00.000-07:00

Baby VG

Talk to the hand bitch

European Sandwich

Odom has an interesting look on his face.

Jeezz dude. I've got shoulder envy.

I love the one of Sasha getting the squeeze.
Also Kobe giving Chaunc the "talk to the hand" hand in the face.

I found our kinda but not really rival blog. It's actually very good. Funny comments. I bet he likes our "blog" better than his. We're like the best NBA (all sports actually) analysts in the business. ESPN is picking us all up as a team to write for their site...
All these pictures are from this guy's "BLOG" thing but he's not the one credited with the pictures...

Game 1, NBA FINALS 2009

2009-06-04T20:56:00.000-07:00

Black Mamba.

40 points.
8 boards.
8 assists.
0 turnovers.

Kobe didn't deserve MVP?

Where is Lebron?
Oh right, he's still bitter in Ohio about Orlando crushing his one-man sucky fake team when they were picked to take it all.

one more reason i dig obama

2009-06-03T09:46:00.000-07:00

things have changed in the whitehouse (thank the lord baby jesus). gone are the days of the texas baseball team owner. enter president obama...baller.

and to make him even more loved by the crew at TJT, he picked the lakers in 6.
i knew there was a reason i had mad love for this man.

king james my ass

2009-06-01T10:28:00.000-07:00

for the past month (year) all sportscasters could talk about was how amazing lebron james was. the best player of all time. unreal. out of this world. better than kobe. going to be better than michael. of course he was the mvp of the 2008-2009...no questions asked. everyone was tripping over themselves to fellate him.
and all along...the wise sages here at TJT have been fighting the hype. so he made it to two conference finals - big deal. his team didn't win. so the cavs had the best record this season (barely, only one more win than the lakers), they still lost in 6 games and should have lost in 5 if the refs didn't make some horrible calls to send game 5 into OT.
icing on the cake - "king" james stormed off the court after the game 6 loss without following the tradition of shaking hands and congratulating the winning team (including fellow team usa comrade). not only that, he didn't even face his adoring fans in the sports media after the game.
king my ass...more like jester!

until you got a ring on your hand and grow a pair to stand behind your game, you will never be a king.

It's Like This And It's Like That

2009-05-29T19:42:00.000-07:00

Birdman = jackass, stupid hair, clown.

Lakers - Nuggets game 6, Western Conference Finals.

Congratulations Lakers.

Sorry Denver.

George Lithgow

2009-05-28T08:24:00.001-07:00

George Karl

John Lithgow

Similar?

Queer Eye?

2009-05-27T18:44:00.000-07:00

So there has been some debate at Jock HQ about the sexual orientation of Reggie Miller. Mainly because most ex-NBA players become fat blobs (i.e.) and Reggie is a svelte, well-spoken non cheeseburger. Last night I chose to do some research on this matter and found the following.

So we confirmed that yes, he is gay. He has a sorority girl tattoo around his belly button and he used to be married to a tranny. Awesome!!!

Sad And Embarrassing...

2009-05-27T15:47:00.000-07:00

Purple and Gold Clowns...

versus Baby Blue Clowns...

and Laker Clowns win.

Looks like the WWE is predicting a win for the Lakers.

WWE, just go away.
I mean, this is pretty funny, but come on now, get outta town, for good.

Goon

2009-05-27T13:04:00.000-07:00

Don't dude.

Please stop, you're giving me brain pain.

Stan Lange

2009-05-26T21:44:00.000-07:00

I wanted to help Dr. Balz with a visual aid. Stan Van Gundy:

Looks exactly like Artie Lange of the Howard Stern show.

brother from another mother?

2009-05-22T09:25:00.000-07:00

40 days in 40 nights of nba playoff ball pretty much means that all other tv viewing has been cast aside. the upside to this is that my eyes are filled with gorgeous man specimens - most of time.

the downside to this playoff season...perhaps what tops the cake is the overwhelming amount of air time the van gundy brothers are getting. probably two of the least attractive mens.

but more importantly - brothers? really? i just don't see it.

one has the short-balding-jew vibe

while the other has the distinctly opposite fat-italian-mafia vibe

i guess their commonality is that they are both angry coaches that like to yell.
still not convinced they are brothers...or that we need to see so much of them on our television screens.

Macho Man Savage Gets Snake Bit

2009-05-20T15:06:00.000-07:00

WWE wrestling president and ego maniac idiot Vince McMahon is in a figure four leg lock with Nuggets owner Stan Kroenke over a scheduling conflict and the use of the Pepsi Arena. If Vince can guarantee that the wrestling will be as action packed as the video below, then yes, the NBA Playoffs can wait another day...

Ruff 'N Tuff 'N Stuff

2009-05-18T18:54:00.000-07:00

First "extreme" post? First post not about hoops, boringbaseball, or F-ball or Michael "Bong Ripper" Phelps?

Okay, so there are things in life that are "gnarly." Gnarly can be funny, weird, crazy, good, bizarre, odd, uncomfortable, basically whatever. This is GNARLY. This youtoob video is more badass than anything that skateboarding or motorcross or any "extreme" sports has brought us. Even Danny Way's amazing stunts. This guy Danny MacAskill was born to be on a BMX bike. Watch this video, you will maybe laugh at a certain point that you're watching a BMX youtube video, but you will also appreciate what he's doing. Fuck that guy Evil Knievel.

My challenge to you, find a video that's better, on these levels... music, action, finesse, agility, on all gnarly levels. Go.

HOLLER!!!!! (Yes I'm yelling)

2009-05-17T19:54:00.000-07:00

Great game 7 Lakers. Way to finally close it out with those pesky, scrappy Rockets.

Pau, phenomenal game. We did it without Kobe shooting (aka forcing) 29 shots and the Lakers' defense forced Brooks, Hayes and Scola (individually) to commit more turnovers than assists. Finally showing the haters what the fuck is up, Bynum and Trevor played really well with standard mellow games by Lamar Odom and D-Fishnets. Kobe had a quiet 14 but didn't shoot so hot. But whatever, who cares right?

WE LOVE the LAkers. We LOVE it!

Bring on the Denver Thuggets.

*Sidenote. I wish Lamar Odom and Jordan Farmar switched first and last names.

Lamar Farmar sounds pretty good.

MASTER CHOKERS

2009-05-15T08:56:00.000-07:00

LKRS WTF SHTBRDS. FCKNG BNRS JSS H CHRST.

Get your shit together and stop beating yourselves (ourselves) aka us. How about a little defense and maybe not allow Brooks to score 4,000 easy uncontested layups. He leaves Farmar in the dust like every play. I think Houston in game 6 of the semis only made dunks, layups and 3s. No mid range jumpers. HORRIBLE D. Knock that shit off LA and pick up your game. (I'm pretending I'm coach Phil in the locker room at halftime.)

Less of this...
More of this...

Do or Die in LA.

Tracy Andrew Jordan Morgan Bynam

2009-05-12T09:26:00.000-07:00

Same guy, but different guy, all at the same time.

One's funny and the other one is a foul machine.

Tracy Jordan Morgan might be hammertime'd in this video

Bababoooeeeyyy

2009-05-11T09:53:00.000-07:00

My favorite people ever at the Howard Stern Show are having their best day ever. Lovable horse tooth jackass, Gary Bababooey Dell'Abate threw the first pitch at yesterday's Met's game. He babablew it.

Bobert Artest

2009-05-08T20:37:00.000-07:00

Yo Kobe, come get comfortable with me in
my jacuzzi after your Lakers win this series.

This is not new, but its new to me... Artest tells the Houston Chronicle:

"This is Tracy (McGrady) and Yao’s team, you know,” Artest said. “I’m not going to take it personal. I understand what Yao said, but I’m still ghetto. That’s not going to change. I’m never going to change my culture. Yao has played with a lot of black players, but I don’t think he’s ever played with a black player that really represents his culture as much as I represent my culture."

Ummm Okay.

How weird, yet another Flagrant Foul on Don Artest - but in game 3 this time...

Man-Ram-Roid-Jam

2009-05-07T10:39:00.000-07:00

We usually have a rule against baseball posts here since we don't really count it as a sport but there is a caveat when there are drugs involved in any story. Usually TJT would be the one breaking this kind of news, but if you haven't heard already, Manny Ramirez aka "Man Ram" has been suspended for 50 games for a PED (performance enhancing drug) violation. He's using the age old "my dr gave me something that I didn't know was illegal" story. Why not, it seems to work. My doctor always accidentally shoots me up and makes me snort weird shit that is apparently illegal. Shit happens. Sorry dodger fans. At least you still have Dodger Dogs to hold on to.

Told You So

2009-05-07T05:56:00.001-07:00

Ron Ron loves Kobe.

According to Ronald, ain't nothing wrong with a mid game nuzzle.

"Kobe, just a little kiss on your neck, really quick. Pleeeeeeeease!"

Nice hair. Looks really neat!

too much hanks

2009-05-06T21:49:00.000-07:00

not only is craig sager's baby purple suit & the rockets random bench killing me, the invasion of tom hanks & god into my nba playoff game is about to tip me over the edge. seriously? a mash up of the vatican and "the chosen one" is making a vomlit in my mouth.

(and while we are discussing, spray tan hanks can take the mini-sirloin burgers in the dump truck with him)

Who The F Are These Guys?

2009-05-06T20:28:00.000-07:00

SINCE WHEN did these guys join the league?

A. Carl Landry
B. Chuck Hayes
C. Joey Dorsey
D. Kyle Lowry
E. Aaron Brooks

Never heard of any of them until this past Monday night.

Total WASP-Y names, sorry...

You get 5 points if you guess who is who. Trust me, I have no idea so you might as well take the 5 points.

Total live blogging.

Update pt. 1: The Lakers are down by 1 point with 3 or so minutes to go. We used to be good like a week ago, now we suck manballs. What the F?

Update pt. 2: tied at the half, 57 - 57. Way to close out a strong 2nd qtr guys. Shit. 39 points in the first, then you follow it up with 18 points in the 2nd?

Update pt. 3: Lamar is playing Horrible. Lamar is shooting his free throws as if he were a blindfolded Shaquile O'Neil. This game is a mess. Let's just wrap this game up LA. Finish off these hack nobody's like now. End of 3, Lakers up 86 - 77. Throw Sasha in the trash, he's a pile of shit.

Update pt. 4: Derek Fisherman, gone. Donald Artest, gone. Getting a bit out of hand now. Technicals and flagrants. Game over, we blew out these B-words. Carl Landry is an idiot. Ron Artest wants Kobe's balls in his mouth. Lakers win, 111 - 98.

P.s. The baller in the 3rd picture is holding hands with his opponent. How cute.

P.p.s. Fuck Scola.

P.p.p.s. Houston is the new Sactown. Bunch of haggard hacks.

P.p.p.p.s. Now the series finally means something. Something to play for now. Artest = thug ass punk. I think Don Artest secretly loves Kobe and wants his man hole. Remember in primary school when you'd flirt with whomever by being rough, and teasing that person? I think Ronald Artest is flirting with Kobe and doesn't know how to tell him that he loves him other than shoving him around and being overly aggressive. Just my opinion.

Twinz?

2009-05-04T21:52:00.000-07:00

A nice new addition to our Lakers is Shannon Brown. Since I am live blogging, I can tell you that he just missed a pretty wide-open dunk. I am not hating him because it was one of those scenarios in which the person is running so fast you think their legs will fly off. Remember when that would happen when you were a kid? Anyway.

He totally looks like Chris Brown. I bet he's not cool enough yet to date hot pieces like Rhianna, but maybe that is good news for the ladies of LA. Imagine if Shannon had Chris's temper with those wicked guns? That would be bad for fragile lady faces.

Question, are swine flu jokes the new Chris Brown is a lady beater jokes?

Teeny bobbing jocks.

2009-05-04T21:11:00.000-07:00

I am going on limb here, hoping we don't lose thousands of readers when I tell you that the female Jock Talk contingent has a thing for teeny bopper vampire book series Twilight. It has come to our attention that the guy who plays Jacob (Native American antagonist) looks like a weird elf with a bad weave and a spray tan. See below:

In the book Jacob is described as a biiig, taaalll, buuuffff, beast of a man. This kid is a baby. We lady jock talkers have been on the hunt for a better person to play him in the next three films. I think we've found a match. He's going to be on vacation after Sunday so he can probably get a one way ticket to the Seattle area where New Moon is being shot. And the winner is:

Luis Scola of the Houston Rockets. PEACE!

Whooptie Freakin Doo

2009-05-04T10:53:00.000-07:00

Lebron James is set to win his first MVP, in what I would call, an actually amazing season for the Cleveland Manchild. But don't discount the seasons of Dwayne Wade, Kobe and even "duge's boyfriend" aka Deron Williams of the Utah Jizz. We owe him his credit where his credit is due. Congrats Lebreezy.

But remember, the Lakers, I mean Kobe, will win it all for his team this year (I mean, you better win it for us Kobe) but Lebron is the NBA's perfect little love baby man child, which means he's going to win MVP now for the next 5 seasons. But still, I'll take Kobesters over squeaky clean Lebron any day of the week.

But let's count gold jewelry from David Stern real quick...
Black Mamba: 3 rings.
LBJ: ZERO rings.

Kobe - I would've voted for you if I were a real sports writer.

You ugly, but you can stay.

2009-04-30T22:58:00.001-07:00

There aren't really ways to describe how gnarly Brad Miller (BM) is. He was a King which makes him hideous. I know nothing about him but imagine he was raised in either ButtholeVille, USA or Bakersfield. He is the ultimate gross ball for many reasons. See below. However, he can stay. Why? Because sometimes we have to accept nasty dogs as our own. Like when Doug Christie and Vlade were Lakers. Not pleased, but they're on our team. I'm sure the city of Boston felt similarly ill when they inherited Scott Pollard, who is undoubtedly Brad Miller's BFF. Right? Anyway, he has really toned down the douche and turned up the non-choke free-throw'ing (something that can't be said for either team's best players). Chicago isn't my "home" team, but they are KILLING it and BM is now alright with me.

Yo' Mama Said You Ugly.

2009-04-30T14:27:00.001-07:00

You may have noticed that there are tons of ugly dudes in the NBA. I have found that there are also lots of total babes, but the purpose of this post is to focus on fug-towns of the past and present.

Number 1: Tyrone Hill. He looks like that pig on Garfield. I just found out that his name is Orson. Check it out. He sure ain't cute.

Number 2: Sam Cassell. This pretty much goes without saying. Everyone knows that he's the ugliest guy to ever wear like 29 different uniforms. Yuck.

Number 3: Jeff Hornacek. I am pretty sure he's like 52 in the photo below. I like 52 year olds, but homey embodies everything I hate about the Jazz. Weird white dads trying to pretend like they're athletes. No thanks.

Number 4: Hedo Turkoglu. Phew, wasn't sure I'd be able to spell his name there for a minute. He's seriously grody looking. That facial hair is weak. And he was a King and everyone who has played for Sacramento looks like pooop to me. Have you seen Rick Adelman?

Number 5: Pau Gasol. Okay, we know that Pao is a dog. However, he is a Laker and the purple and gold makes people shine. Basically Kobe is the earring on Pao's pig. Or the lipstick on Pao's pig if you're into Sarah Palin.

Number 6: Tim Duncan. He is a big ugly baby turtle head. Would you like a vomlette for breakfast?

Number 7: Brian Scalibrini. Gnarly, right!? I really have an issue with white doughy arms sticking out of NBA jerseys. This guy ups the ante by putting a headband on his gross ginger fro. I think Boston only got him because he looks like a leprechaun.

2009 NBA Playoffs, Round 1 Game 1

2009-04-20T11:02:00.000-07:00

How many people can I offend? Let's see...

Chicago flushed them Boston shits down in Boston!!!
LeBronzer smoked Detrizzie.
Hwight Doward and Orlando blew it against wack ass Philly.
Lakers, duh, wrecked shop, as usual.
San Antwan, sucks dong balls - boring dong balls.
Miami got shellacked by Hotlanta.
Houston beat lil' baby youngin' Portlanders.
Denver jizzed all over New Orleans.

What else?

Master Of Panic

2009-03-05T15:35:00.000-08:00

Shaq Daddy and screamer Orlando Magic head coach Stan Van Gundy are trading low blows this week over Shaq's wanna be Vlade Divac FLOP versus the man with the largest set of shoulders in the NBA, badass All Star center Dwight Howard. Jeez, too many words for only one sentence.

Shaq called Stan Van Gundy both a "master of panic" and a "frontrunner."

Harsh quote - "Flopping to me is doing it more than one time, and I realized when I tried to take the charge, as I went down, I realized that that play reminded me of his (Van Gundy's) whole coaching career. And one thing I really despise is a front-runner, so I know for a fact that he's a master of panic, and when it gets time for his team to go in the postseason and do certain things, he will let them down because of his panic. I've been there before, I've played for him. ... I'm not going to just sit around and let nobodies take shots at me, and he is a nobody to me. And if he thinks he can get in a little press conference and take shots at me like I'm not going to [give] something back, he's got another thing coming."
ALSO - "Now I see why everybody who plays for him doesn't like him."

Stan Van Gundy called Shaq "sensitive."

Semi harsh quote - "That's not his normal comments," Van Gundy said after Orlando's practice Thursday. "Obviously I struck a nerve and hurt his feelings. Shaq's a very sensitive guy. If I hurt his feelings, I'm sorry."

Click this picture to see life size Shaq smiling at you...

A-Rod Is A HACK SCUZZ

2009-02-07T11:29:00.000-08:00

Ball-Rod wants to hit homeruns so bad that he does Steroids.

He wants to eventually get as fierce as this guy.

Too bad many athletes are cheater suckbags.

Bong Ripper Ripped By The Herb & The Law

2009-02-04T09:49:00.000-08:00

American-In-Beijing-Summer-Olympic-Swimmer-Gazillion-Gold-Medal-Winner Michael Phelps gets busted smoking the danky dank at some party.

Phelps apologized this past Monday for his behavior. I didn't realize that the "behavior" of smoking grass is a bad thing. He says sorry for getting blazed and having fun? Shame on him for apologizing and shame on the cops for pressing charges on him.

Grip it and Rip it Bro.

the flop that just won't quit

2009-02-03T09:42:00.000-08:00

lets face it - the spurs are the biggest bunch of whiney cry babies to grace a nba court. tim "turtle-face" duncan has never committed a foul in his entire career. bruce bowen is just plain dirty. tony parker...well, i have nothing to say about that beyond, you married eva longhoria. ouch.
but by far, the biggest douche of all is manu ginobili. leaps and bounds ahead of the rest. the guy just cant stay on two feet. and somehow, even when he kicks out and flails into an opposing player, he gets the foul!
the nba has had some all time floppers in its history (vlade, raja, reggie), but man-poo takes the cake.

david stern needs to run a refs workshop called "pull your head out of your ass and learn that manu will fall every god damn time!"

side bar: in case anyone missed it last night, the warriors were up on the spurs with seconds left in the 4th when manu pulled a classic flail-kick combo on turiaf and got the foul call - that led to two points - that lead to OT - that lead to another loss for the Ws. boo!

2009-02-01T05:41:00.000-08:00

So it is sad that I was up to watch the whole match in its entirety because I am at work. Rafa beats Roger yet again, none the less in a great match. Roger put a good fight and did not just lay down and let Rafa cruise to the trophy. However Rafa is still digging in his butt between every point. If I were Roger I would protest due to the fact that Rafa is getting his butt juices on the ball every serve. So wrong.

well dressed bench

2009-01-27T14:02:00.000-08:00

nba players get to show off their personal fashion sense when benched with injuries, which is not always a good thing.
last week i had the distinct pleasure of getting an up close and personal view of the warriors bench, which included one marco belinelli. he was dressed in a fine italian three piece suit - he looked much more attractive than in his warriors garb.

his bench attire has gotten better with each game and he has fast moved up on my nba crush list.
like i've said before (see below) love a man that can pull off a fine suit!!

THE EAGLES FLEW...

2009-01-05T13:50:00.000-08:00

...and beat down Dat 'Purp.

nuf said.

see you next Sunday.

purple pride

2008-12-04T16:52:00.000-08:00

whoa. i am slow, sorry. i just realized that my lakers lost their second game of the season to the ugliest team EVER. seriously, barfs.

i have almost hardly even heard of any of these dudes. the white ones are vaguely familar. i know murphy (he got uglier, right?) from radpants and dr. ballz team, and i think the other guy was a jazz man? is that accurate? anyway, this still looks pretty good to me:

half nude gay icons

2008-12-04T16:46:00.000-08:00

this is old news now, but 60 minutes (what my dvr/on demand calls the "rolls royce of television interview shows" or something like that) part timer anderson cooper interviewed michael phelps, who i learned is a horrible slob who is probably knee deep in taylor swift or lauren conrad or one of dem hos. anywhoo...anderson decided to lopsidedly race flipper. home boy needs a tan for serious, he's so silver all over.

nba trivia provided by GSW

2008-11-19T09:55:00.000-08:00

next time you are playing a feisty game of trivial pursuit and the green pie piece hangs in the balance on the question "what undrafted rookie scored the most points ever in his first NBA start?" you now have the answer - ANTHONY MORROW.

for anyone that missed his 37-point game high opening performance against the clippers this past weekend, it was freaking awesome. even the LA crowd, which is not known for its enthusiasm, was cheering for him. he could not miss. he is a true shooting guard and the swoosh of the net when his shots go in is - oh - so pure.
looks like he might even be the real thing scoring 25 points in his second starting game last night against the trailblzers.
to all you GSW fans out there...maybe we have another ellis on our hands!

Mamma's boy

2008-11-17T09:46:00.000-08:00

Looks like ol' Douche La'Rue aka Mark Cuban has gotten himself into a little trouble with the SEC over some insider trading of his stake in Mamma.com.

How do you think this image of Mark will go over in the slammer?

It would be so nice to not have to see his face courtside every Mavericks game for a while...

politics is kind of like a sport

2008-11-05T13:58:00.001-08:00

and we WON that shit.

Take that Billy Penn!

2008-10-29T20:26:00.000-07:00

although most of us here on the west coast hardly knew a World Series was even taking place, i must hand a much deserved congratulations to the Philadelphia PHILLIES. job well done boys. it's times like these when i shed a tear for my beloved City, pour some out and miss you terribly.

the curse has been broken. take that Billy Penn!

For many decades, an "gentlemen's agreement" stated that the Philadelphia Art Commission would approve no building in the city which would rise above this statue. This ended in March 1987 , when a modern steel-and-glass skyscraper , One Liberty Place , opened three blocks away.

I must ad that I am so very envious of the tried and true "Philly Fans" we all know and love as the best sports fans in the world.

in true Philadelphia Fan style, you've got your heckling:

"These people harassed a baby," Zobrist, the father of Tampa Bay outfielder Ben Zobrist, said before the start of Game 5 last night. "It's not all of them. But there are a small group that are obnoxious, vulgar and rude.

your violence:

Fans outside Citizens Bank Park in Lot M at Pattison Avenue and Darien Street were breaking bottles on cars and attempting to light an SUV on fire...

and your revelry:

Thousands of people are streaming toward City Hall. One observer said that it looks like all of Temple University is on the march, some running, some walking. The marchers are swarming moving cars. Ten or 15 people at a time jumped the cars and rode. The fans are screaming, car horns are honking. Chants of "Let's go Phillies!" filled the crisp night air.

it's some other level......now go eat a cheesesteak.

Jock Band

2008-10-27T09:47:00.000-07:00

For a couple of the TotalBlogDogz crew, namely Dr Balz and ErinIsGross, this might be considered porn of the best kind.

The collision of two heavenly worlds into one... Rock Band meets Kobe Bryant.

sugar grams learned the 8 clap

2008-10-18T18:42:00.000-07:00

My first ever college football game (no Gauchos pigskin action). I figure I can root for UCLA since I'm from the UC system, I now live in LA, and my boyfriend is an alum. Plus, I live a few miles down the 134 from the Rose Bowl.

Seriously, one of the best games I could have attended. Seated 3rd row next to the end zone. The weather was great. The nachos tasted amazing. The cheez whiz had extra punch. We were featured on the jumbotron not once, but twice. I had a pompom. It was homecoming.

After a frustrating 3 quarters of blah, KC and the boys came alive to have an 83-yard drive, overcoming a 4 point deficit with just 10 seconds left on the clock.

Take that Stanford Trees or whatever you are.

The stadium erupted. I 8-clapped my little heart out and decided right then and there that I need season tix next year.

U-C-L-A Fight, Fight, Fight!!

getting political on america's passtime

2008-10-16T21:40:00.000-07:00

is the republican party getting so desperate as to pull out the ultimate last ditch attack on obama - he hates baseball?!?!

(AP) Following yesterday’s criticism of Democratic candidate for President, Senator Barack Obama (D-IL), for delaying a possible game 6 of the World Series 15 minutes by buying ad time on every channel in the world, RNC spokesman Alex Conant spoke out against what he called "an even greater sin against our national pastime."
Conant had been quoted as saying, "It’s unfortunate that the World Series’ first pitch is being delayed for Obama’s political pitch, Not only is Obama putting politics before principle, he’s putting it before our national pastime."

fyi...not everyone is as crazy about baseball as senator gremlin...

Irrelevance: Joe The Plumber

2008-10-16T20:42:00.000-07:00

You know he loves football and baseblahhh.

The man, the semi-legend... Meet Joe The Plumber aka Plumber Joe Wurzelbacher - his name was mentioned like 2 baker's dozens of times in last night's pres '08 debacle aka debate.

My opinion - but both nominees kinda secretly scare me - (but one wayyyyyyyy more than the other which is the old dead barely breathing white guy is worse) Sorry, I said it.

conservatives - jocks at their worst

2008-10-10T15:41:00.000-07:00

i have a lot of pent up rage stemming from this week and the ugly bs being spewed by "conservatives" aka "republicans" aka "moosehunters" aka DICKS everywhere i look. not only is their gremlin of a presidential candidate and his hockey mom sidekick trying to insight riots in these tense times...now the jocks of the right are claiming that a great athlete *faked* a terminal illness for attention????

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/basketball/nba/10/10/magic.radio.ap/index.html?cnn=yes

i am just in awe of all their compassion. PUKE.

"The OC" Maybe Getting An NBA Team???

2008-10-10T09:55:00.000-07:00

You think Orange County (Anaheim) will finally get their professional NBA team? If the Angels and Ducks, who have both won their highest achievements in their respective sports, what makes it so weird to pull in an NBA team and add basketball to the list already made with baseball and hockey? Go For It OC!

What would be some good names for this Orange County NBA team?
OC Bros

"Fish are no longer food"

2008-10-05T14:02:00.000-07:00

Yep, that was the brilliant commentary and Finding Nemo shoutout that was used on broadcast TV.

But for reals, the team with the least masculine colors and mascot have back-to-back victories, guys. They beat the Patriots and now the Chargers.

And they looked good. They're playing with some major teamwork and pizazz. They just could be the little longshot team that squeaks (pun intended) their way to the Super Bowl.

Watching the Dolphins today was actually fun. I know, right?

Go Dodgers!

2008-10-02T11:48:00.000-07:00

Since both "LA" baseball teams are in the playoffs for baseball, this will be my attempt to get involved in the series. And since the Mets are good at sucking, and they're the only team that I kinda try and attempt keeping track of, I'm gonna go for the hometown team, the Dodgers, Go Dodger Blue. Total Jock Talk doesn't really have a MLB expert since we've collectively agreed that baseball is boring aka not exciting. Let me clarify - baseball as a sport is boring. Attending a baseball game on the other hand is fun when the ambiance is there - drinking flat, overpriced beer, limited food options unless you like Dodger Dogs, drunk loyal fans, salty roasted shelled peanuts, grand slams, tailgating, 7th inning stretches, etc. In my life I've probably been to 30 baseball games (mostly Dodger games, very few Angels games, ONE Mets game, ONE A's game, ZERO Yankee games).

That's kind of a lot. Especially for one who gives not two shits about Joe Torre or Kirk Gibson (my Dad was at that game!). But this season I told myself to "follow baseball" so I'd have more to talk to my Dad about when we talked on the phone. Well sort of followed, but not really until the past couple weeks. The only time I talked to my Dad about this Dodger team this season was when Manny Ramirez was traded to the Dodgers from the Redsox. I tried to get excited, but had to force it. So after all that, now the Dodgers made the playoffs and beat the Chicago Cubs last night for the series opener, in CHICAGO!, to go one game up in the series. Tonight is game two, and it's also Sarah Palin's chance to show the rest of America how DUMB she is in the VP debates. I think the Dodgers are gonna win game two, and Palin will be successful in showing Middle America how little she knows about actually everything. That was a total side note... Back to Baseball...

GO DODGERS!

CILF - post script

2008-09-30T21:14:00.000-07:00

guess al davis reads tjt and also agrees that coach kiffin doesn't look so appealing on the side lines.

http://www.reuters.com/article/sportsNews/idUSTRE48T7RR20080930

looks like it pays to be the hottest man with a headpiece...

CILF

2008-09-29T21:59:00.000-07:00

over the past couple of seasons (with the help of some enthusiastic fellow jocktalkers) i have opened my mind to the world of football. whats not to like - highly caloric snacking, beer-a-mids, american flags, tight male buns in spandex - not much to complain about.
as a bay area resident that did not grow up tethered to a team, i am torn between the two local teams. the rough and tumble, pirate themed silver & black, rebelrousers from oaktown (where i had my first and extremely fabulous tailgating, drunken, professional football viewing experience) V. the classic and storied 49ers of my favorite city.
so like most important decisions in my life, i am basing my loyalty on hotness (valuable lesson learned from am i hot or not).

option one - typical red-faced, puffy, visor wearer, frat boy.

option 2 - the ultimate CLIF (coach i'd like to f). enter mike nolan. i am a sucker for a dapper man in a well tailored suit. the glory of home games.

not a hard choice.

Marquise in search of the cheese

2008-09-25T14:27:00.000-07:00

"I'm about the money, that's me"
-Marquise Walker, Age 8

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/otl/marquise

Not sure if any of you have seen this story or heard about this kid, but he was once dubbed "The Top Kindergarten Prospect in the Country. I don't know whether I should be happy for this kid, jealous of his talents, or feel bad that he is on his way to a life of getting chased by the cops on his bike/skateboard.

Didn't anyone learn from the sad, sad life of famous Capistrano Valley/USC/Raiders quarterback Todd Marinovich? For those of you who don't know him, I had the pleasure of watching him in high school play against the great Bret Johnson led El Toro Chargers. His dad is the famed Marv Marinovich, former NFL lineman and fitness guru who practically stuck a football up his wife's vagina when she was pregnant with him and never let him let go of it. He went on to a very short career in the NFL, then CFL, then Arena football league and now apparently is busy skateboarding and getting arrested for various drugs.

Now, it seems like this Marquise kids father is a good guy and wants what is best for his son, but it's all a bit gross. Starting a "marketing campaign" for his son at the age of 3 yrs old so everyone knows who he is, is both disturbing and in a fucked up way kinda brilliant. It could work and the kid can get a college education full of banging coeds and never going to class before prematurely making his way to the NBA, or it could go horribly wrong and he could stop growing at the age of 15 and all his dreams are dashed.

Now, all the pressure is on lil Marquise to live up to the hype. I hope for his sake that it all goes well and all the leaches around him don't completely take advantage and fuck his life up, but I think he's got a tall hill to climb.

BD... more like LBs

2008-09-25T13:23:00.000-07:00

Seriously Baron?

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20228478,00.html

You'll do just about anything to kickstart that Hollywood career of yours won't you? We all know you've had some weight problems over the years, but are we going to be seeing tv ads with you and Kirstie Alley now? Please don't do this to us fans who once respected you.

When Horrible Meets Horrible

2008-09-21T20:52:00.000-07:00

On September 19th, over the weekend I guess, President Bush congratulated the Boston Celtics at the White House in one of his party rooms. The dumbass Commander In Chief invited the Boston Celtics to the President's home to honor their ass whipping of the Lakers back in June or whenever it was - who cares it doesn't even matter since my team didn't win.

"Playing hurt in a championship game is the ultimate sign of leadership," says Geroge W. Bush. Also, "For baby boomers like me, that is the -- that was a reminder of a great basketball rivalry," Bush said. "So, like, Boston fans were screaming, 'Beat L.A.!' at the top of their lungs, and that's exactly what this team did in six hard-fought games."

Fuck that.

Paul Pierce a hero? Nope, I'm still bitter about this victory and he's a wuss baby, not a hero.

Sports Illustrated article here...

“If God had wanted man to play soccer, he wouldn't have given us arms."-Mike Ditka

2008-09-11T14:00:00.000-07:00

Since TJT's resident NFL scribe has a mess of a work week, I'll fill in with some NFL commentary from this past weekend...the first NFL Sunday of the regular season. Now, don't get too excited because I can't spit knowledge on important things like player stats, standings, exciting trades of the season, or team rivalries...after all, I cheer for the Eagles AND Dallas. However, what I can offer you is perspective; insight into how god damn fun it can be to be a football fan when you know absolutely ZERO about football. Hizzah!

Living in Philadelphia for 5 years, I learned how important it was to be an Eagles fan; to live, breathe and even dance Dem Birds. This was tough, given that Philly sports teams, they say, are cursed and will never celebrate a championship. Thanks Billy Penn. Football brings excitement and a competitive spirit, it harnesses a camaraderie like no other. Nothing beats getting the ol' gang together for a 12-er, chex mix and some buffalo wings. Or in my case, heading over to BIG WANGS in Hollywood and being surrounded by so much testosterone and fraternity Marf Badness that you can barely pay attention to any of the 200 TV screens showing the NFL Ticket. (Side bar: I think BIG WANGS is poaching servers from Hooters. Just sayin'.) And if you are into The Tailgate, don't get me started on my Philly experiences (roasted whole pig luau style anyone?) So, to my delight, when the Eagles smeared the queer with the RAMS, 38-3 this past Sunday, I was thrilled! What a way to start the season. Go Big Red!

Just as critical as my love for the pig skin, is the pairing far superior than whiz on a steak; Hip Hop and Football. Three Six Mafia sat down with former Philadelphia Eagle Terrell "Don't Cry For Me" Owens and interviewed him on all things football. Not really. You can check the amazingness here.

Next Monday night, it's on! Monday Night Football, Eagles @ Dallas. Should be interesting, since I suppose I'll be cheering for both my teams throughout the entire game! FLY EAGLES FLY!

Jesus Can Dunk Pretty Hard

2008-09-03T17:50:00.000-07:00

Dont fuck with the Jesus, he's a total baller.

Religion and sports you ask? Emm, why not?

Not only do these Jesus jerseys look good, but they go well with
denim. It's both fashion and function, all in the Lord's name.

And where do the profits go? Most likely right
into some Colorado nut zealot's savings account.

From their holy website - blah blah blah...
"Heavenly Jerseys, LLC was created in the fall of 2003 for the specific purpose of making a difference in a culture where sports and athletes are an important part of life. We feel that the Jesus Jersey gives people young and old the opportunity to wear and share their faith. People and things will always change in this world just like athletes are traded, suspended, injured, or retire. The one thing that remains constant is God, and His love for us! His son, Jesus, came to earth with a mission to love, accept and forgive those who need it. This means He would ultimately be ridiculed, criticized and crucified on a cross for those same people. The Bible tells us in Romans 3:10-As it is written: There is no one righteous, not even one, and Romans 3:23-For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. That includes YOU and ME! We are the ones for whom God sacrificed his Son. God accepts Jesus' sacrifice as payment for our sins. All we have to do is accept this free gift. John 3:16-For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son. That whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life. Jesus Christ will NEVER let you down. He will never retire, be injured, traded or suspended. If you're looking for power and strength that come from Jesus, and want to display it by wearing a jersey, why not wear the name of someone who has done something for you personally. Philippians 4:13-I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."

(If there is a hell for Christians, I'll be there like lickety split)

More amazing Jesus Jerseys here...

About Time, but...

2008-08-24T04:40:00.000-07:00

So America Basketball is back on top, where we belong. Our Olympic teams slacked up the past couple Summer Olympics and the rest of the world caught up to us talent wise. But my burning question is where oh where is the token white guy, i.e. Christian Laettner?

I'm sayin' there a lot of good White American basketball players in the NBA. There are at least 4 or 5 Barry's out there to choose from. My personal choice would be David Lee from the Knicks, he's a good player. Even my fellow TJT'ers would have liked to seen Luke Walton warm the bench and hand Kobe a towel during breaks. Well that is if NBC would have broadcast anything other than diving and gymnastic. I'm just saying I've had enough of seeing shaved dudes in banana hammocks (see post by Erin is Gross on August 15th below) jumping and twirling around, thanks but no thanks.

Shaq Is An Idiot

2008-08-23T14:09:00.000-07:00

So Shaq adds a new one to his list of nicknames - The BIG dumb STALKER. A singer named MaryJane filed a temporary restraining order in Fulton County, Georgia (Hotlanta) against The BIG IDIOT aka Shaquille O'Neal recently stating that Shaq stalked her, threatened bodily harm and made phone calls in which he'd call and just breath all pervy into her ear hole. Fucking idiot... Not one to avoid controversy, he first dates "MaryJane." Then she ends the relationship. Then he stalks her. And she alleges that while stalking her, he offers money ($50,000) to her other performers to not work with her.

precarious position...

Shaq also slammed Kobe this summer, thinking that it wouldn't surface. Wrong. Worst rapper alive... as seen here...

WIN or DEATH

2008-08-19T12:00:00.000-07:00

Ok is it just me or am I the only person that gets the feeling that some of these athletes just might be playing for their life. I'm just wondering if the circumstances change on what place you finish in. Worst case scenario, if you flat out lose and come in last place, and you don't beat an American then you and your family get whacked. If you don't win BUT beat an American, one of your family members lose a limb. If you get a medal and an American places better than you then your pets get beat up? BUT if you win the whole thing like the Freak from Jamaica and you set a new world record then you are King for a long time. That dude more than likely gets whatever he wants when he wants it. BITCHES Come!

2008-08-19T11:44:00.001-07:00

Ummm I don't get who are these cheerleaders cheering for? Especially at a women's beach volleyball match? Also why are they dancing to late 80's early 90's music? I guess Hammer is "Too Legit Too Quit."

olympic controversy

2008-08-18T15:55:00.000-07:00

i am confused. this woman, Oksana Chusovitina, won the silver medal for female vaulting in the olympics. do men do vaulting? or just that thing where the do splits and break dance on a horse thing? anyway, she has a son (who is sick, boo) and is wearing a leotard but i'm seeing no other evidence that she's really female. i found one photo of her with long hair and i was slightly more convinced but can anyone tell me WHO would give someone with these features a haircut like this? or couldn't one of the romanian gymnasts with 5,000,000 barettes spare one so she could have a decorative item on her head, signifying female? like when people put those weird head rubber bands on baby girls so people don't ask, "what's his name?" anyhoo...

olympic babe-o-thon

2008-08-15T10:02:00.000-07:00

michael phelps is a well decorated butter face.

Beavers in the Pool?

2008-08-14T23:03:00.001-07:00

To continue the Olympic coverage (and because my 4pm iced blended vanilla is still kickin'), shall we discuss Canadian swimming competitor Keith Beavers? This guy is set up for failure in life.

Strike 1: Last name = Beavers
Strike 2: Canadian
Strike 3: A left breast tattoo of the maple leaf and Olympic rings

I mean, you're asking for it, buddy.

Chuck E Cheesy

2008-08-14T20:33:00.000-07:00

I love the Olympics (and not just basketball) and I realize this probably makes me painfully uncool to the other TJTers.

Gymnastics is especially fun because it's fraught with so much drama. Nothing beats watching a 12-yr-old Chinese girl that's been stolen from her family at age 3 and forced to flip around for the greater good.

One of my favorite aspects of Olympic gymnastics is the commentary of Bela Karolyi. Not only is he the coach-with-a-heart-of-gold from the best TV movie of all-time (Nadia), but he's starting to remind me of my all-time favorite Chuck E Cheese character, Pasqually Pieplate.

Observe and agree.

Kobe Bryant To Italy...

2008-08-08T17:28:00.000-07:00

SHIT!!! Kobe's now talking of playing pro hoops in Europe, specifically Italy. I thought it was kinda cool that Josh Childress went to Greece to play for the next few seasons. I also thought it was maybe a good idea that Lebron James would even consider playing in Europe as well. But now two of the leagues best players considering a move across the Atlantic, seems a little more realistic than I wanted it to be. I mean, Kobe grew up part of young life watching his pops, Jelly Bean Bryant play in Italy, so maybe it's somewhat fitting.

Reported HERE by the Boston Globe/Associated Press...

If Italy comes knocking with big money next summer, the NBA could lose its biggest star in Kobe Bryant. In lieu of a report that Cleveland star Lebron James would strongly consider playing in Europe for $50 million for one season when he becomes a free agent in two years, when asked by The Boston Globe about the report Bryant said he would take a similar deal by a pro team in Italy if offered when he becomes a free agent next summer. The Associated Press originally reported that Bryant could have interest in playing professionally in Europe. "I'd go. I'd probably go," said Bryant, during a USA Basketball press conference on Friday morning. "Like Milan or something like that, where I grew up or something like that? Peace out." Bryant continued: "Do you know any reasonable person that would turn down 50 (million dollars)?"

We (USA) get Beckham, you (Europe) get Lebron and Kobe. That's not a fair trade.

Lebron James To Play Hoops In Greece...

2008-08-06T13:34:00.000-07:00

Probably not. But wouldn't that be interesting? Rumors around the NBA and Olympic Hoops are that Greek Pro Basketball team Olympiakos, based in Athens is on the hunt for the King James. Recently Josh Childress, formerly a 6th man for the Atlanta Hawks, signed a contract with the same Greek squad for $20 million for 3 years with most everything (living expenses, etc.) being picked up by the team - and it made the news, barely. But this would really get us Bball nerds talking. Word is that Lebron could make anywhere from $40 - $50 million, yes, per season playing in Greece whereas the Cavs (or any NBA team for that matter) could only offer him just less than $20 mill per season. Teams in Europe don't have salary caps on their superstars, unlike the NBA which does impose the salary cap rule.

South Americans and Europeans (and from elsewhere) have been killing it in the NBA for quite some time. Think of all the International stars in the NBA: Manu Ginobli (all-star), Dirk Nowitski (all-star), Tony Parker (all-star), Yao Ming (all-star), Tim Duncan (all-star), Steve Freakin Nash (all-star), Sasha Vujacic, Vladamir Radmonovic, this list gos on and on and further on. So maybe it's time for the NBA to lose some players over seas for a few years to make things interesting. Whaddya think?

Read it all here.........

Paul Pierce: I'm world's best player....

2008-08-01T09:12:00.000-07:00

YEAH RIGHT GUY. You're not even your team's best player. KG is - and by a long shot. I'd even take Ray Ray Allen over you, Paul (fall down and cry, then leave the game then come back and throw up three dagger 3 pointers against the Lakers). Don't get me wrong, he's an amazing player. You clearly know how to win (actually it's kinda questionable that you knew how to win until you got KG and Ray Ray) - and you won the Finals MVP, which is great, but you're NOT the best player in the world.

The OC Register:

Paul Pierce said it. He meant it. And he still means it. The Boston Celtics small forward/guard recently was asked by a Spanish publication whether he thought Kobe Bryant was the best player in the world. Pierce said no. The NBA Finals MVP called himself the "best player." He added, "There's a line that separates having confidence and being conceited. I don't cross that line, but I have a lot of confidence in myself." On Thursday, Pierce stood by his comments, saying he is entitled to his opinion. "That's what I said. I am a confident player and a lot of people might look at it like 'Oh, another cocky attitude,' but I don't look at it that way," said Pierce. "I have an opinion, I have a right to have one and that's the way I feel. I felt I've played against the best over the years and felt right now that I'm the best player in the world."

Duh. Erma.

Read it here...

that other purple and gold team.

2008-07-20T13:30:00.000-07:00

Mark your calendars. 9/8/08. Monday Night Football. Season opener. Vikings vs. Packers. Rivalry stoked by recent tampering charges (boo). Retiring Brett Favre’s jersey at Lambeau? Favre possibly (though remotely) suiting up in purple and gold? And how does T-Jack feel about this? And can you believe I’ll have an opportunity to buy Vikings merch with the word “Booty” on it?

gym etiquette (part I)

2008-07-18T13:24:00.000-07:00

for those of us who have decided to attend to our fitness requirements in warehouses jammed with various stationary exercise machines and dumbbells (play on words), we know there are just certain annoyances that can't be avoided. loud grunting buff dudes in ridiculously small shorts, people that don't clean up their sweat stains, girls that come in full makeup and "use" the elliptical in midriff showing sports bras...the list is endless.
but after weeks of the same occurrence, i felt compelled to begin a (perhaps) series of posts to all the jocks out there about what NOT to do at the gym.
today's topic - BO. yes, body odor. you thought that most people learned during puberty in their gym class that deodorant is a MUST when doing any activity that involves sweat coming out your pores. but somehow, people have in fact managed to make it to their adult lives without that fundamental knowledge. and it causes severe pain to those running on treadmills next to them - tell me how you are supposed to run and hold your breath at the same time?????
so...to all those out there that think smelling like chana masala toped with raw onions is appropriate - YOU ARE WRONG.

slather the pits with deoderant before leaving the locker room. be kind to those around you.

walking on air

2008-07-18T10:52:00.000-07:00

sorry, ski feet. no dice this olympics. i was hoping that i was going to get this guy shred china, but oh well. he didn't run magic fast enough. maybe he should do drugs next time.

Baseball God Vs. Baseball Devil

2008-07-16T08:01:00.000-07:00

The Baseball God has beaten the Baseball Devil. In other words, Baseball fans got a probably, most likely, really good game last night - whereas non baseball fans who had to watch the game with a significant other, friend, whoever, got a hellish, brutal snooze fest.

So by chance, I was one of probably 98% of America that watched Major League Baseball's All-Star Game aka Midsummer Classic last night. I was caught in a bar with National League Fans jabbing American League fans, Yankee Fans heckling Chicago Cub fans and also a woman with two lips piercings, a "Jobo" Yankee jersey, two "NY" Yankee Logos tattooed on each calf muscle on her legs - basically barf worthy. She was grossing me out and every single Yankee fan was drooling over this nasty thing. They all secretly loved her and her tattoos.

This tattoo (above) but bigger and not the pin strips - but along this level of stupidity.

Anyways, my point - last night's game was a couple of things. It was a baseball fan's wet dream, but at the same time, a non baseball fan's worst nightmare. The All-Star Game ended up being the longest All-Star Game in history, going for 15 long, nasty innings. 15 innings of baseball could be equivalent to 15 hours of mental torture. That's a flight from Dubai to Chicago, L.A. to China or a drive from N.Y.C. to Racine, Wisconsin. So imagine watching grown men in pinstripe spandex throwing/hitting a little ball around while you're eating endless amounts of peanuts, popcorn, hot dogs, and NOT drinking beer... that's right - because baseball stadiums impose a horrible rule to stop selling beer after the 7th inning. So all those baseball fans ended up not being able to slurp beer from the 7th inning to the 15th inning...sounds HORRIBLE.

Well in the end the American League aka the Yankees and Boston Redsoxers won the game. Boo Hoo!

Any way, I desperately need N.B.A. season to start up soon. Hurry David Stern, start the league early...

Baseball = Tylenol PM

2008-07-14T10:54:00.000-07:00

Are you tired and possibly having a hard time sleeping? If so, I have a great remedy for you. Turn on the ignorance/fear based powerhouse channel, Fox, around 8pm and watch Major League Baseball's All-Star game. The game also called, Midsummer classic, is being held at New York's Yankee Stadium for the last time ever. Next season the Yankees are moving their stadium to either Hell, or Florida. No, actually I think they're staying in the Bronx, New York City.

What do they talk about when they huddle like this?

The only thing that will make baseball more exciting for me is if they change the rules. One rule could be that the baseballs be covered with gasoline, lit and then pitched and played. Another rule could be that a random fan at any point runs naked around the field, and if he touches all four bases before he gets tackled, the naked person is awarded a substantial prize. Any ways, the only way baseball is fun is if you're actually at the game. But watching baseball on TV is no fun.

Do we know this guy?